It’s amazing the lies we tell ourselves and it’s even more amazing how without even knowing it, they randomly just pop into our heads.
I have so many lies I have told myself throughout the years and the struggle is working through them and trying to decide if they are real or not. Through this process, I realize how much I have spent much of my life looking at outside forces or instant gratification to learn ‘who am I’? This helps for a period of time, but it’s never long lasting. What I am realizing is that the fear is working at looking inward. I am scared of who I think I am or who I might become. It’s hard to work at being present and not worry about my future self. It’s scary telling myself ‘I am enough’ because if I am enough, then what? What do I do once I realize that? I always need to know what is next, what is around the corner, I need to plan and not being able to know, not being able to plan puts me in constant panic.
However, I was listening to Leanne Vogel’s podcast episode #125 about ‘Instagram Self-Care with Kristina Bruce and I felt such relief. I felt permission for where I am at in this stage of my life. That self care can mean sleeping in, binge watching TV, crying because I need to, cleaning and re-cleaning my house because I can. Self-care is what you, your mind, and your body need and not worrying about what you think it should look like or wondering what everyone else is doing.
This thing we call ‘self care’ is definitely a journey and it’s not always pretty and it’s messy. I pray each day for strength to be present and work on finding something to be grateful for each day. I fight daily with myself trying to remind myself that I can take care of me and be in a loving relationship. I have such a preconceived notion that I cannot have both, that I do not deserve both. I wasn’t expecting to meet my now husband and for five years we were good with not being married…then I went ahead and changed that. To say things have been easy would be an understatement. Ever since I proposed and since we have gotten married, panic runs through my body: “why did I do this, why did I change things, we were good and now I just messed it up”. Some of you reading this might think…”uh oh this is headed south”, and you know it might be…because I don’t know where my future stands, but it also could turn into something event better than I imagined. I do know I plan on working on my relationship with myself and with him. If we make it, awesome, yay us, but if we don’t, I know we did the best we could and he will always be the love of my life.
That is where the fear lies. I am terrified that I will become someone I don’t recognize, but at the same time, I feel like I have held myself back for so many years. I know I have very extreme thinking and constantly think everyone else around me has it ‘better’ or more ‘figured out’. I know this to be false, but it hasn’t quite clicked in the mind yet. I acknowledge it, but it doesn’t stay put. My fears, doubts, and what ifs override my system.
I hate working on myself, I really do, but I know I need to. I have wasted enough time not doing so and allowing myself to be disappointed because I relied on someone else for my self worth. My husband encourages me to feel better, to do me, to find what makes me tick. What I know so far: walking my dog, sleeping in, and writing when I feel like it, make me tick. What I need to constantly remind myself: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING, none of us do and if someone says they do, they are lying haa haa, and what makes me tick might not be what makes you tick and that’s okay. Everyone is different and everyone has their thing. I can no longer be who I think I should have been growing up and I do not need people’s approval and I can let go of what I think my family thinks of me or what I think they are thinking. Because they are not. They love me the way I am. And who knows, who is not to say that my big, tough brother who I have compared myself to since I was kid, doesn’t look at my life and think “I sometimes wish I was her”.